


Inside Band 1

by spacemonkey



Category: U2
Genre: Documentaries, F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 20:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9288584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacemonkey/pseuds/spacemonkey
Summary: In January of 2017, it was announced that E! had commissioned ten episodes of Inside Band 1, a new reality series about the recording of U2’s forthcoming album, Songs of Experience, that had taken place the previous year.Reaction from the media and general public were mixed, with the show being labelled another misstep in the band’s search for continued relevancy. What followed next, however, was something that no one could have predicted.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So there was meant to be this documentary titled Inside Band 1 to air around the same time as the Paris show was on HBO. It got pushed back for reasons (probably the usual U2 does whatever sort of reason) and here we are over a year later and there still is no word on that damn doco. Frustrated about this in June of last year, I started this fic for a laugh, then forgot about it. I remembered it tonight and gave it a little polish. It's a bit silly, but it made me smile today. I hope you enjoy.

In 2015, HBO commissioned two projects from the band U2: A concert to be streamed live from Paris, and a documentary about the lead-up to the band’s Innocence and Experience tour, titled _Inside Band 1_. Due to the devastating terror attacks in Paris, the concert was pushed back, airing a month later to critical acclaim.

The documentary, however, was never aired. Sources close to the band said that both HBO and U2’s management were unimpressed by the footage shot, claims that were denied by both HBO’s and U2’s PR team.

In January of 2017, it was announced that E! had commissioned ten episodes of Inside Band 1, a new reality series about the recording of U2’s forthcoming album, Songs of Experience, that had taken place the previous year.

Reaction from the media and general public were mixed, with the show being labelled another misstep in the band’s search for continued relevancy. Experts predicted that it would be a ratings disaster, but after the airing of the first episode - and the media frenzy that followed - the show became an unlikely hit, with audiences worldwide tuning in to see how the situation would unfold. . .

  


**INSIDE BAND 1**

Episode One - _Where the Songs Have No Name_

  


Larry Mullen Jr is seated on an elegant white sofa with a scowl on his face that suggests he might be constipated, emotionally as well as otherwise. In the distance, there is the sound of drumming, though it might also be a drum machine.

 

Brian _(off-camera)_

It’s on you, man.

 

For a moment, the scowl deepens. And then, through it all,a tight smile emerges that is almost bordering on vicious.

 

Larry

If I am to be completely honest, I thought it was a stupid _bleep_ -ing idea. I still do. U2 doing a reality show? _Please_.

 

Brian _(off-camera)_

. . .okay, then why did you agree to do it?

 

Larry

. . . _welllll_ , and I’m not going to name names here, I’m not, but somehow someone managed to forge my signature on the contract. _(A beat)_ The _bleep_ -er. _(Another beat)_ Would it be naming names if I said I’m going to enjoy killing Adam after this?

 

Adam Clayton

Why would I forge Larry’s signature? Well, who can prove that I did? Show me the proof, Larry. Show it.

 

Larry _(off-camera)_

_*unintelligible*_

 

Adam, with a smirk on his face that is directed somehow both at the audience and at someone off-camera, sets his cup of tea down onto its saucer before leaning back against the plush green sofa.

He is the epitome of calm.

 

Adam

He’s got nothing on me. Nothing. And anyway, after forty years together, I’ve more than stopped being worried by Larry’s death threats. If he was ever going to do it, he would have done it years ago. In Paris. But that’s another story entirely . . .

 

In the living room, Bono is stretched out on a tasteful blue sofa wearing a white bathrobe and a single sock, watching television. The clock on the wall behind him reads 11:47am. There is an empty plate resting on his chest, and he barely notices when The Edge enters the room. For a moment, Edge stands by the sofa with his hand on his hip, staring down at Bono until Bono starts to laugh. “You know,” Edge says, “we were supposed to be heading to the studio a half hour ago.”

Bono waves a hand. “And I’m fully committed to making it, The Edge,” he says. “I’m just catching up on this last episode of Modern Family.”

Edge glances at the camera, exasperated, before looking back at the television. “You’ve already seen this episode.”

“I have not.”

“Yes, you have.”

“I have not, maybe _you_ have-”

“I have not-”

“Then sit down and lets watch it together,” Bono suggests.

There is a pause, but Edge cannot seem to find an argument, and eventually he just sits down next to Bono. “Okay, but just this one episode.”

Bono laughs. “Okay, sure thing, Edge.”

  


Bono

It’s hard work creating an album. And we’ve certainly made enough of them to know how exhausting it can be, though I am sure there are some out there who might think we could have made a few more than we actually have, and they would probably be right. After all, Edge never feels like we’re spending enough time in the studio, though I’m not entirely sure that’s always the problem. A lot of it comes down to micromanaging, really.  But sometimes, you know, you just cannot push yourself. You can’t. Sometimes you have to wait for God to walk into the room, and often he has better things to do with his time. Things take time. I wish they didn’t sometimes, but they do. They take time.

 

Edge

I think a lot of it could boil down to us spending more time in the studio together. More time all focused on the same goal, because sometimes - and not always, because a lot of the time everyone is working incredibly hard and that’s wonderful - but sometimes a person, maybe more than a person, is there but he’s not _there_ , you know? And it’s hard to ignore, I mean, I notice when they’re not there, I do. There are reasons, though. There are always good, solid reasons, and it’s just something that happens when you’re in a band such as this.

 

Adam

About two weeks ago Larry and I decided, just like that, to get away from it all for a few hours, like we haven’t done together in . . .I actually cannot recall the last time Larry and I just went driving together. But that’s what we did, for the entire day. Out on the open road, just the two of us with the windows down and the music up high, we made it all the way to San Diego without a care, until we remembered that we had to drive back to L.A. Larry suggested we fly back, I reminded him that we had an obligation to the car we had just driven down the highway, and we ended up in one of those frankly ridiculous arguments that you laugh about afterwards. But, in all the time we were gone, not once did we get a phone call telling us we were missed back at the studio.

 

Edge

. . . the entire day? . . . _huh._

 

The time is 1:42pm and Bono and the Edge are leaving the house. As they head towards the car, Bono flashes a peace sign towards the camera, while Edge just keeps his head down. They get into the same car. Behind them, Adam casually slips out of the house and heads towards a separate car, whistling to himself as he goes.

Larry remains elusive.

 

Bono

People ask me sometimes, _Bono, what does it take to make a song, what is your process?_ People are curious, they want to know, they want to see the entire process, but it’s messy. It can be utterly messy, and I always liken the process to the creation of sausages. You know, the end product might be nice, it might even be delicious, but to make it is a messy process, with parts that no one should see. I mean, it can be so, so messy, and sometimes it all just turns out as crap. Complete crap. But you hear people say that your songs are like your children, and they’re not. They’re your parents, they tell you what to do, what to think, and if the songs aren’t -

 

_(cut to commercial)_

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the ridiculous continues. A couple of Bono lines I've lifted somewhat from interviews, because they were just too perfect and too him not to. As he constantly repeats himself, I figured it made peerrrrrrrrrrfect sense :D Enjoy!

The time is 8:07am. It has been three days since U2 entered the house, and over a day since Larry Mullen Jr was last spotted.

 

Adam

Larry has a very complicated relationship with the camera. It’s more of a one sided love story, as Bono once put it, where the camera has always loved Larry and Larry has always loved the idea of throwing the camera to the ground, though he’s all talk and no action, in a manner of speaking.

 

A strange little smile appears on Adam’s face as he pauses. He takes a sip of his tea, and then continues.

 

Adam

I suppose you could say that Larry is like Bigfoot when a camera is involved. Eventually, though, if you wait long enough they both just might emerge.

 

The time is now 8:14am. From beyond a white door comes the sound of a clatter, followed by muffled cursing - the first sign of life for the day. Moments later, the door opens to reveal Larry in nothing but a pair of white briefs. Midway through a yawn, his jaw snaps shut when he spots the camera.

His glare is the last thing seen before the door is closed once more.

 

Bono

Larry is very black and white, you know, he doesn’t shy away from saying what he thinks, and he does not and could not pretend to be anything other than who he really is. And I think people create an idea of who they think Larry really is based on that black and whiteness, or based on how he might come across when a camera is pointed in his face, when in actual fact he incredibly kind and generous and loyal. I mean, he’s our thunder and lightning, yes, but when he smiles, the sun comes out.

 

In the kitchen Larry is sitting at the counter eating a bowl of _Honey Nut Cheerios_. The box is set on the counter by his elbow, and the screen focuses on the label for three seconds, turning back to Larry just in time to catch the newspaper being flung towards the camera. A glare follows.

“ _Bleep_ off,” he says, but his glare quickly falters, and moments later he is walking across the room to collect the newspaper from the floor. As he makes his way back toward the counter, Adam enters wearing an open bathrobe, his crotch heavily pixelated.

“Morning.”

“Mornin’.”

After pouring himself a mug of coffee, black and strong with half a sugar, Adam sits down next to Larry. He takes a sip, sighs blissfully, squints at the newspaper, and then nudges Larry with his elbow. “Have Bono and Edge emerged yet?”

Larry snorts. “I doubt it. From what I gather, they went well into the night.”

They both laugh, though Adam stops abruptly moments later, throwing a sidelong glance towards the camera. “At the charity auction, you mean?”

Larry straightens. “Sure, of course. Well into the night at the charity auction. Would you like some cereal?”

“Thank you, I’ll take a serving of _Nuts_.”

Once more, they both dissolve into laughter.

 

The Edge

The auction last night was a humongous success for the ( _RED)_ campaign. It’s - well, I will admit to having some . .  . reservations about Bono’s extracurricular activities in the beginning, wondering how it was going to effect the band, and himself, really, you know, what sort of strain it was going to put on him. It’s not easy work, and there have been a few times where I have wanted him to take a step back, and a few instances where I did not agree with. . . let’s just say, certain people he fell into dealings with. But when I look at what he’s achieved, the sheer enormity of it all, I - I actually, I’m so proud of everything Bono has accomplished. ( _A beat_ ) I’m just really proud of him.

 

Adam

I think the work that Bono does outside of the band helps in keeping him humble, that and the people he surrounds himself with - Ali especially. I mean, certainly there are times when he can be a little bit spoiled, a little bit ostentatious, but those moments are few and far between. I’ve seen people who are far less famous than he, people who have been famous for what might as well be a day, in comparison, act like they own the world. Thankfully, no one in the band ever even got close to being like that. We’re really still just four regular people from Dublin, at heart.

 

Brian ( _off-camera_ )

But when you consider all of the success you all have had -

 

Adam

I have considered it, we all have, and we’ve dealt with it. I mean, sure there have been times when someone has needed a slap around the ear to land back on Earth, I’m not denying that, but through it all we’ve all stayed relatively humble. Normal, even. I think living in Dublin certainly helps in keeping that humility - no one cares how successful you are in Dublin, they care what sort of person you are. Bono can head down to the local pub back home and be greeted with the most incredible amount of indifference. And I think he prefers that over any life of extravagance.

 

In the kitchen Edge is making pancakes. Bono watches him cook from barely a foot away, looking like a man who has barely slept. Stepping away, he refills his mug with coffee before returning to Edge’s side. “Lookin’ good there, Edge.”

“Mmm, they’re nearly ready.”

Bono nods, and then smiles. “Smelling even better, Edge.”

Edge rolls his eyes, but a smile appears on his face.

“Christ,” Larry mutters, and promptly leaves the room.

Bono remains unfazed, watching as Edge plates up the pancakes before following him to go and sit down at the counter. “You know, last night . . . actually, it would have been early this morning, wouldn’t it? This morning, I found myself thinking about that restaurant in Rome that we went to a few years ago.”

“We’ve been to a few restaurants in Rome over the years, B, you’ll have to be more specific.”

“Well, the name escapes me currently, but it was the place where we both indulged in a few Harvey Wallbanger’s, and you-”

“Right, right,” Edge cut in with an odd little laugh, his gaze shifting towards the camera. “ _La Pergola_ was the name, I think.”

‘ _La Pergola_ , of course it was _La Pergola_ ,” Bono almost shouts, before beginning to laugh. “Do you remember-”

“Think very carefully about what you’re going to say next.”

Bono straightens. They both quickly glance at the camera. “Right, anyway, I was thinking last night, this morning, that we should go back there.”

“Sure, next time we’re in Rome.”

“Or we could go today.”

Edge looks at Bono. “You want to fly to Rome _today_? We’re in the middle of recording an album.”

Bono waves a hand. “It would just be a quick stop, we’d be back tomorrow.”

“You want to fly to Rome for a meal, and then come right back?”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“But-”

“It’s stupid, no.”

Bono frowns down at his plate, then violently stabs at his pancake with a fork. Edge looks at the camera, exasperated and a little resigned. He sighs. “Do you want me to make you a Harvey Wallbanger?”

Bono looks at him, surprised. “It’s nine thirty in the morning, Edge,” he says.

“There’s orange juice in it, clearly it’s supposed to be a breakfast drink.”

“. . . yeah, alright, let’s do it.”

 

Bono

I honestly think this might be the best record we’ve ever made. Adam has never been better, Larry is thumping out some serious beats, and Edge is on fire with his playing. And vocally, I feel better than I have in some time, you know, I’m reaching notes I couldn’t reach a few years ago, which is a great feeling. With everyone in such form, I don’t think it’s possible for the record to turn out crap. I have such a good feeling this time round, and I cannot wait for our fans to hear it, whenever we finish it. I don’t want to put an actual date on when that might be, because I’ve gotten into _bleep_ for that before, but I will say that we are all completely committed in getting this record out sooner rather than later. We’re all completely focused.

 

The time is 1:37pm, and Bono and Edge are in the living room, both still in the bathrobes they were wearing earlier. There is an empty pitcher on the coffee table, and numerous empty glasses and bottles. Bono is stretched out on the tasteful blue sofa, while Edge is face down on the carpet.

“I live here now,” Bono laughs. “Edge? Edge. You listenin’?”

“You live here now.”

“Not here, _here_.”

“S’what I said.”

Bono nods as he strokes the arm of the sofa. Then, “ _Adam_!”

“Shhhhhhh.”

“I have to tell him, Edge, how else will he find me? . . . _Adam_!”

 

_(cut to commercial)_

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ridiculousness finally comes to a ridiculous end. I hope you all have enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it :D

The time is 4:52pm, and Adam is in the sun-room enjoying a cup of tea. There is a dog-eared copy of Michael Chabon’s _Wonder Boys_ resting next to him on the beautifully crafted wicker chair, waiting to be read, but for now Adam’s attention is elsewhere.

Larry, slumped in a blood-orange armchair, is frowning. There is a cup of tea at his elbow, untouched and quickly cooling, and when Larry suddenly shifts in his seat, Adam winces nervously, but the cup of tea does not fall. Still, Adam remains slightly disquieted, as if even the mere thought of spilled tea is enough to keep him up at night. “It’s just _bleep_ -ing weird, is all,” Larry says.

Adam responds with a quiet, “Mmm,” his gaze still on Larry’s cup of tea. A moment passes and then he blinks, straightens in his seat and says, “Sorry, what?” Larry’s frown deepens, and after an extended bout of silence, broken only by a somewhat exaggerated sigh, Adam rolls his eyes - a childish move that he somehow makes look almost gentlemanly. “What is weird, Larry?”

“ _This_ .” Larry gestures violently. The cup of tea wobbles. “This whole thing, Adam, it’s _bleep_ -ing weird and I hate you for it, okay? I hate you.”

Adam rises from his chair and crosses the room in two easy steps. “Yes, you hate me, we established as much years ago.” He takes the cup of tea from Larry’s armrest and slowly makes his way back to his seat.

“I was going to drink that,” Larry protests as Adam sits down. “ _And_ I was going to spend this month in Croatia with the family before someone decided to _bleep_ me over!”

“No, you weren’t,” Adam says placidly, setting aside Larry’s tea for later before resuming his own. “And no, you weren’t. You were going to spend half of this month finding little odd jobs around your house, all of which you had previously decided were completely unimportant and could be left to a later date _unless_ you needed something to procrastinate over, and then you were going to spend the latter half of this month moaning about how we were never going to finish this album because no one was focused enough.”

Silence falls as Adam sips his tea, barely able to hide the little smirk with his cup. Larry slumps further in the blood-orange armchair, looking this way and that before finally letting out a dramatic sigh. “I just feel . . . awkward, you know? I didn’t know what to do with these _bleep_ -ing cameras thirty years ago, and I still don’t know what to do with them now! This was a stupid idea, Adam.”

“Really? I figured you would love it.”

Larry’s frown turns into a vicious glare, but he cannot hold it for long. “I actually feel bad for those who do decide to tune in, because we are _not_ entertaining. I don’t even know how to make it entertaining for them, like, I don’t know, do you think they would like a tour of the house or something?”

“What, like ‘hello MTV, and welcome to my crib’?”

“Yeah, exactly!” Larry says, rather emphatically, before frowning once more. “Is that show still on?”

“. . .I don’t know, maybe.” They stare at each other for a prolonged beat, then, “I mean, it might be on Netflix, do you want to go see?”

“Yes. Yes, I do.” They both stand up. “But let's go upstairs, huh? Bono and Edge are in the living room, and they are _bleep_ -ing w _aaaa_ _s_ ted.”

“So, just a normal day, then?”

 

Adam

I admit that MTV Cribs was a bit of a guilty pleasure for me back in the day. I especially enjoyed seeing how some people wasted their money on frivolous things, and, well, I was never really surprised when I would hear through the grapevine at a later date that those people were having financial hardship. I mean, you had one big song and an album that found only moderate success, do you really think you can afford that seventh car? Do you _really_ think you need a bowling alley in your house?

 

Bono

Adam is the closest thing this band has to a gentleman, and he wears that badge proudly. But, you know, sometimes he can be an out-and-out catty _bleep_ . _(A beat)_ I really enjoy that Adam.

 

The time is 6:25pm and the house is silent. In the living room it still looks as though someone - or a couple of someones - went on an incredibly overpriced bender, but Bono and Edge are nowhere to be seen. The camera focuses on a near empty _Belvedere (RED) Limited Edition_ bottle of vodka for a necessary six seconds, before pulling away to survey the room a second time, as if it either expects to find Bono and Edge hidden in a corner, or it just cannot quite believe what it is seeing.

A quick glance into the kitchen and ground floor second bathroom proves fruitless, though atop the toilet cistern rests a mostly full bottle of Guinness . Undeterred, the camera continues on to the first bathroom on the ground floor, a disembodied hand entering the frame to push open the slightly ajar white door.

Inside, The Edge has Bono pushed up against the shower door, one hand in his hair as they kiss like a couple of desperate teenagers.

Off-camera, Brian exclaims, “Oh, holy _bleep_!”

Bono and Edge jerk apart, with Edge almost tripping into the luxurious black and white clawfoot tub, while Bono slides a few inches down the shower door. They’re both red-eyed and unfocused, though Bono has a witless grin on his face, even as he stares at the camera and says, “. . . _heeeeeyyyy_.”

There is a beat. Then Edge steps forward in the most uncoordinated fashion, with his hands waving in the air as he smiles crookedly and says, “Wait. . . wait. Wait. That didn’t happen, okay? Back it up now, um . . .can you?”

Off-camera, Brian answers, “Uh . . .”

Abruptly, Bono blinks to awareness. “Oh,” he says, “this is not good, issit?”

“Uh. . . “

 

Bono

Being in the public eye for as long as we have, you come to expect to see your face on newspapers, your life picked apart in the media. It’s become a part of who I am, an expectation in my everyday life. But there are some parts of our private lives that we would prefer to stay just that. Private. And it’s not because we’re ashamed of it, it’s just. . . ( _He sighs_ ) I never thought that people would understand

 

The Edge

I’m not going to lie, I tried to get E! to leave that part out. But apparently, as it turned out, legality dictates that if you sign a contract, you agree to everything that the contract stipulates. ( _A beat_ ) We might have missed some of the finer details.

 

 

Bono and Edge are seated on the elegant white sofa. Edge looks as miserable as one can get, while Bono appears as though he may in fact be napping, though it is impossible to confirm due to his dark sunglasses. Larry paces in front of the couch, shaking his head, and, after an extended silence, says, “Three days.” Bono’s head jerks upright at Larry’s voice, and he glances wildly around the room. “You couldn’t even make it a full three days without getting caught. Now that’s embarrassing - I mean, how soon you got caught, not - you being together isn’t . . . you know I fully-”

Larry throws his hands up in the air, then abruptly leaves the room. There’s a beat, then Bono turns to look at Edge. “What was his problem?”

 

The camera cuts to Adam and Larry sitting on the tasteful blue sofa, looking slightly weary.

 

Adam

Look, I’ve had some time now to get used to the idea of them together, and - well, I will say that I was not surprised in the least when it all went down. I think it’s lovely. I always have, after all the . . . drama.

 

Larry

Yeah. ( _He sighs_ ) I mean, they’re our brothers.

 

Adam

They are.

 

Larry

And if anyone wants to start any _bleep_ over this, we’ll be standing in the way. Ready.

 

Adam

We will.

 

Bono

I thought I was prepared for this moment. I thought - I had a whole speech planned, for if this ever eventuated. ( _He shrugs_ ) I don’t think I could ever have prepared for what I’m feeling.

 

Brian ( _off-camera_ )

And what is that?

 

 

Bono ( _smiling_ )

Relief.

 

Edge

I’m always proud of him. And . . . I love him. That’s all there is to it, I suppose.

 

The screen cuts to black. _Produced by Guy Oseary_ comes across the screen in elegant white lettering, then the credits start to roll in full, with footage of Adam and Larry on the tasteful blue sofa appearing in the corner of the screen.

 

Larry

Does this mean I can finally tell everyone about that time in Berlin when Bono and Edge were -

 

Adam

No.

 

Larry

You don’t even know what I’m going to say.

 

Adam

Yes, I do, of course I do.

 

Larry

He doesn’t. So Bono and Edge were -

 

Adam

Larry -

 

Larry

Well, I’m not going to say what they were doing, but -

 

Adam

 _Bleep_ , are you really going to do this?

 

Edge ( _off-camera_ )

Come on, there are so many other stories you could tell!

 

Larry

Okay, fine. . .it ended when Bono vomited all over Edge, that’s all you need to know.

 

Adam

I think that’s more than they need to know, frankly.

 

Larry ( _mocking_ )

Well, I think it’s lovely, don’t you?

 

( _a beat_ )

 

Adam

You think vomit is lovely?

 


End file.
